I Got a Job!

Teaching, that is. Though I know it's a good thing,(to homeschool) it's been a frustrating day. We have immersed ourselves into homeschool! Officially, we started on Tuesday. We have been doing a lot of unit testingi n Math and English to see what Felecia knows and where is a good place for us to start. Today, we worked way too long on Math. I was trying to accomplish the goal of getting past the "assessment". (test). You have to get 80% or higher to be considered having mastered the Unit. We now know where we need to be for Math, we are still testing for English. Today, though, I wanted to do a lesson for each, plus do Science, Music, Art and Phonics. Yea. We had a 7 hour day today! AHHHH! We did just over 2 hours in Math. I should have just stopped after 1 hour (which is the state-recommended amount per day) and finished the next day. Its just so hard! I'm learning to realize the difference between a 28 year old accomplishing a goal (like, adults work until "x" is done, regardless of things like thirst, hunger, boredom, etc) and a 6 year old accomplishing a goal. I also learned that getting an assessment "done" doesn't mean squat if I can't walk away and Felecia know what to do. I don't think its test anxiety. I don't know what happened today. We'll just have to see. It wasn't even that she choked, she just really never grasped the concept that we had spent an hour and a half studying and I didn't realize that she wasn't grasping it!!! UGH! I have realized that this is my new "j-o-b". Except, the dividends by which I get paid take longer to show, and an even longer time for me to appreciate all my hard work. I now realize it doesn't matter if she per se progresses on to 2nd grade next year. That is generally what is drilled into the general population's heads regarding public school. Going to 2nd grade won't help if she can't master the 1st grade skills. I feel very behind for 2 reasons: 1) I'm not sure (obveously) exactly what she learned/how far she got in school. Plus, what they did teach her, does she really have a good grasp on? 2) Starting in the middle of the year with a whole new program is probably not the best idea, but given our situation, we really had no choice. So I feel compelled to rush to "catch up". Which I know is not overall a good thing for Felecia. But today, after we had a lunch break, we did Music, then some Art, then English and that was alot smoother and more fun. Right now, I cannot see how we would ever finish in time for June, but oh well. That's hard for me to state being the "type A" personality that I am. I have figured out how to better organize the school stuff but it is tough living in a small place. We are managing. Each day I feel more and more familiar with the school in general. And Felecia loves it! Believe it or not, she is starving for knowledge! And I love feeding it to her! She is like the plant from "Little Shop of Horrors" saying "FEED ME! FEED ME!" She was sad that we had to stop today. I love doing it too, but there has so far been about an hour of prep time per night (since I have to keep everything in boxes and read up/familiarize myself with each of the lessons) and I don't want to make homeschool all that I live and breathe. Surprisingly, housework isn't falling too much by the wayside, but we shall see what the weeks and months to come bring. I think my inlaws may have imposed themselves on us for Christmas, but oh well. C'est la vie, right? More to come as I have the time. I've decided to try to post like at least once a week about homeschool, because I want to be able to look back on it. Yea. We'll see how that goes. I'm by far not the world's most consistent blogger.

The boys are doing well. Somewhat put out about mommy not just being at their every beck and call as before, but they like to do school with us. I don't let them do English or Math, but they seem to like the other stuff.

Am I missing the bigger picture here?

Maybe I put too much stake in people and their opinions of me. Maybe. Maybe I need to learn to let go more easily. I can understand why people would "zing" me if I had done something wrong, but it really hurts when you think someone's your friend and then all of a sudden, they cut you to the quick. I know I have issues. I am trying to deal with them. Blogging them helps. I tend to turn on worship music while blogging and writing and listening to music is very therapeutic for me. I just want to be loved. Needed. Wanted. Not just by my immediate family, but by people outside my family. Is that so wrong? I do not feel acceptance from most people I know. I feel like everyone tolerates me. And barely at that. So, I am seeking to change. Or maybe, in my seeking, God will reveal to me that maybe its more others than me that need to change. Maybe I'm not such a lousy person after all. I know that God loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I am. But sometimes that isn't enough. I know its suppose to be. And I know humans can let you down. But for some reason, it seems like I get let down by others more than others get let down by the people around them. Ahh well. The music that I've selected to share here has spoken to my heart and God has put salve in the wounds through it (the music) once again. I knew that there was a reason I picked the songs I did!

Do I really have OCD?

*****Note: this is meant to be kind of a joke, yet somewhat serious. Its meant to be a lighthearted post to give a good laugh.*****
Do I? I don't know. I think I may. Here's what I know that I do: It all started with getting an over-the-toilet-rack for my towels. I realized quickly that I needed the space in my cramped hall closet, so I took the rack that a friend gave me about 2 years ago. Well, I had to divise a better way of folding my washcloths, hand towels and bath towels because of it. Why? Because they would be on a "display" of sorts, and I personally didn't like walking into my bathroom seeing things in dissaray that I apparently never cared about in the hall closet. Now, if anyone walked into my apartment unannounced, you would take a look around and say "Oh my! There's no way you're OCD! Look at this messy place!" But see, I don't like it messy. Its called, having 3 kids ages 6, 4 and 2. Plus, living in a 600 square foot apartment and not having room for even the basics. I would love to have nothing on the floors or even my countertops. The emptier those two things are the better it looks to me and the more calm and sane I feel. See? That right there is an OCD tendancy, isn't it? Since I started folding my towels specificially, pretty soon, I started caring about how I folded the rest of the laundry, too. Next thing you know, I have "places" for the canned goods to go in the cupboard. Now I didn't go so far as to label the places. Although I can say I have a great interest in a labeling machine. I'm just afraid that I would really go off the deep end if I got one. I have never labeled anything except just before Elijah was born, and that was on the cupboard doors so that my mom who was coming to stay with us for a week would know where to put things. But if I didn't have OCD I probably wouldn't have labeled the doors because I wouldn't have cared where she put the clean dishes! AAAHHHHHH!!!!! I would love to imply a rule about the kids' bookshelf. hehehe. But I don't want my kids growing up having this disorder. I know I don't have the disorder as bad as some people. I don't "count" when I wash my hands. (Those of you with full blown OCD know what I am talking about!) And I do not constantly bleach all hard surfaces. Unless we are going through a sickness. Then I do my outer door handle, the door handle to enter our building, the railing, laundry room, etc. Which doesn't make any sense, really. Except that it doesn't spread the germs to my apartment neighbors. Nice for them, but I probably picked it up from them in the first place!!! Maybe its not OCD after all. Maybe I just have control issues where I want to be in control and decide how everything should be. Is that what OCD is? A control issue? Hmmm...

You've Got A Friend

Anyone know that James Taylor song? Well, I want to have someone that would be the friend to me like the one in the song. I know I'm 28 years old, but you're never too old to start a new friendship, right? Of course, my husband is my bff (that's best friend forever, for those of you who don't do the abrreviation thing), but that's different. I want more of an objective person that's not a family member. I have had friends come and go, but never one that has stuck with me through thick and thin. I have had friends that have hurt me and it has caused a tear where later, its unrepairable even if we "make up", its still never the same again. I have also been the one to hurt someone else and be the cause of the tear. I know moving out of state obveously means that relationships are harder to keep up. I get that. But why haven't I made any good friends since I moved here? I have been going to the same church for almost 3 years now, though I finally felt in August like I was at a point in my life where I could get involved in church. I currently help to lead children's worship. See, Curt works Sundays, plus most evenings and we have no one that I trust that will ever watch the kids. Much less on a consistent basis. The one person I can have babysit wants to charge me like $10.00 an hour!!! I have friends from my MOPS group, but no one I feel like I can just call when I'm having a bad day. My one friend that I could call moved 1/2 hour away and she used to live upstairs from me so it seems like she has moved on the other side of the world. Gas is expensive, her car recently broke down, and btw, I sprained my ankle badly the day after Thanksgiving, so I am on crutches and non-weight-bearing until next Tuesday and then I have to use crutches while walking for a week. Then go back to orthopaedic surgeon on 12/27. I don't think I ripped out my surgery (Crissman-Snook procedure, for those of you medically inclined/google fans who want to look that up) from 9 years ago, but that's what it was looking like the few days following the injury. So anyways, I can't drive, and I end up going out only about once a week. Yuck!! Anyways, I want a loving dear friend that I can go window shopping with, that will take me for ice cream, surprise me with little things and I can do that with them too. I want them to be a christian, a female, that is strong in their relationship with Christ and live close to me. Boy. How pathetic. It sounds just like a want ad for a dating service. I'm not trying to replace my hubby by any means. All I want is a good girlfriend who I can grow old with!

Some issues worth blogging...

*******Note: This is a long post about some issues I'm having that a friend's blog prompted me to bare my heart and sould to just get it out. However, should you want to know what I'm really like, reading it will give you much insight to my life. Let's see: moving, finances, homeschool, being overweight, and my relationship with Christ. I am hurting currently from these things. I hope and pray as I'm sharing this that I can maybe give someone else perspective because I know my friend and I are not the only ones to struggle with these types of things.

Moving/finances: 3 1/2 years ago, Curt and I moved to Northeast Ohio in pursuit of a job and a better life for us. We thought God was giving us a chance to "start over" and things could only get better. Which they did, for awhile, but we are still not studious or wise with our money, and our lifestyle has adapted to however much Curt makes. We are still barely getting by day to day, and I feel that the Lord has led me to create a budget and yet I'm scared to death to do so. My parents admit they never have been good with money, and yet they still were able to provide reasonably well for my brother and I. My mom babysat until Robbie and I were in school full-time and then she got a job within the school so that she could be present when we left for school and when we got home. So I didn’t have an example of being a wise steward of money. My parents had their “issues” with tithing, so I also didn’t “get” (and still don’t) the real need for tithing. Its in my head, but far from my heart. I know I should, but we too experience hardship whenever we do it. Logically, it doesn’t make sense, and I haven’t found anyone who can make sense of it spiritually, either.
God can and will meet you where you are at. You can rest assured that He will care for you whether you are in MI or TX. I have learned that to be true because my heart longs to move back to MI to be with my family and the friends we have there. It has taken me all this time, and I’m still learning each day to be content where He has me right now – penniless, 250 miles away from what I know, overweight and perplexed about my daughter’s school. Am I satisfied or settling for this place? No. I believe that God has something better for me. But I can say I’m content most of the time. I can totally relate to your line of thinking “If only I can get out of here and move to ______, (you fill in the blank) then I know I’ll be happy.” The grass always looks greener on the other side. I mean, hey. I thought grass in Ohio looked pretty green, and wouldn’t you know, after we were here for about 2 years, the grass in Michigan started looking pretty good again! Funny, isn’t it? I know that unless I allow God to make changes in my heart/spiritual life, if and when I ever get back to Michigan, pretty soon, I’ll be saying the same thing about another place.

We have decided to homeschool Felecia!!! I am soooo very excited about this! For many reasons: 1) I have been praying about homeschooling her since she was ½ way through preschool and the decision to enroll her in public school rolled around. (*note: I have always wanted and felt that God wanted me to homeschool my children since back when I was a teenager.) What I failed to realize was that although I wanted to do it, and felt that God wanted me to do it, was that God’s timing was that we would have Felecia in public school for a short time first. 2) I have felt the Lord’s hand in this especially since the **conference. (**See blog below) 3) It has been awesome to see God using circumstances to change Curt’s mind on the homeschooling thing. He has always supported it, but said that our apartment would be much too small to do it in. Well, due to the circumstances, we are left with no other choice, and I think he is beginning to see that it will work after all. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do yet was to pray for a long time (we’re talking its been almost 2 years!) for either us to move or God to change Curt’s mind!!! And, I had to do all of this without pestering the snot out of Curt about it. Sometimes I know I failed miserably at that, but I can tell you for sure and for certain that there were many times that I controlled my tongue and said nothing despite the fact that I never wanted Felecia to go to that horrid school in the first place! 4) I can already feel my family coming closer together. 5) The homeschool program seems to be one of the most awesome I’ve ever heard of! 6) Despite being severely mistreated by her 1st grade teacher, Felecia did awesome in the placement tests. In my heart, I was preparing myself emotionally because both her first grade teacher and her kindergarten teacher said she was the slowest in the class and behind. I was trying to prepare myself for the fact that she may test low and be placed in kindergarten. Guess what?? She tested 1st grade in both math and reading!!! I am sooo proud of her!

We are going through Ohio Virtual Academy. It is an online charter school. Called “distance learning”. The totally awesome things that I know right now about it are: 1) Since it’s a charter school it works the same way – which means its free. (The only cost I have would be that for field trips and paper and ink for my printer.) 2) There’s a free computer that they loan you for every student although we have a laptop and a desktop so we opted out of that due to space limitations in the Apt. We can opt in for the comp if we decide to at a later time. 3) I am the type of person who can work very diligently alone, but do much better with someone checking in on me periodically which works very well with this program because her work gets turned into a teacher that we meet with about every quarter, and I talk to them on a weekly basis to turn in attendance, progress reports, and assignments. I also have them at my disposal if I have questions or if something’s not clicking with Felecia. 4) Since the curriculum is designed by teachers, they have suggestions for how to schedule your day, which will be wonderful for me! I’m also looking for simple suggestions on what to do with the other two children. (Noah (4), hasn’t really gotten the hang for how fun school is, and Elijah (2), is too little to join in on a lot of it, although he’s at that age that as long as he’s sitting with mommy, he doesn’t really care what we do. I am scared silly to think of being responsible for what my daughter has to know, but I feel better knowing that many moms like me have done it without a teaching degree, and I have a teacher to keep me accountable. It’s the same kind of scared that you are when you find out you are pregnant for the first time. At least that’s the closest I can come to explaining it. You have the same questions: What will it be like? Will I really like doing it? Will I hate it? Will it be as fun and rewarding as I hope it will? Will she listen and obey? Will I be able to teach her without yelling because she’s not understanding? Am I going to fail? Will she? And no amount of other’s homeschool stories whether encouraging to uplift me or horror stories to deter me will really help me feel any better. Its something I’m going to have to just do to experience for myself to see how it works for my family. Its such a thrilling fear!! J Anyone who desires to homeschool, do a google search to see what your state might have to offer. The curriculum is from the k12 company, and they do have other states that they do charter school in. (btw, Michigan isn’t one of them yet, nor does Michigan have any online free schools so that would be a major factor against us moving back – if we like the program, that is.)

Ahh. The last topic for my posting tonight. Being overweight. Similarly to hearing other’s stories about homeschool and having babies, hearing other’s success stories hasn’t done much for me personally on the “fat front”. I weigh about 185 lbs last time I checked and I have the desire to lose weight, but I can’t seem to stick with a time of day that works for me. Plus, to actually do my “routine” means taking time out of my very busy day from everyone else to spend on myself. If I’m totally honest here, which I’m trying to be, that’s why I don’t blog very much. I feel like I’m not worth my own time. Boy, that sounds and looks pretty dumb on paper!! Kinda pathetic, really. I often allow Satan to make me feel guilty for taking time for myself. So, its easier for me to play the part of a martyr and cater to everyone else’s needs and neglect my own. Yes, that makes for one unhappy Chalice. I understand that. But the guilt chokes any desire of “me time” right out of me. Last year when we got our tax return back, I got to be the recipient of a beautiful exercise bike. The safe kind that your kids can’t get hurt on, unless they try to use it without your permission or try to crawl under it while you are pedaling and end up with a concussion. (no, that didn’t really happen, but they have walked too close to me and gotten their shins whacked a couple of times!) The actual cost to our food budget to buy healthier foods scares me. Produce is expensive, and the stores I shop at are 25 minutes away, so I try to go once a month, except for bread and WIC items where I shop closer to home. (Those stores are soooooo expensive that I can’t buy regular groceries there.) Then there’s the “my kids are more important” thing that always ruins my appetite for healthy food when I do buy it. I feel like I should just not snack, or I reach for the stuff that’s bad for me instead of snacking like I should. I am doing much better on the portions I eat at mealtimes, however. And, I am buying much less of the junk food so if it’s not in the house, then I won’t be tempted by it. Like icecream. And chocolate. And cookies. Big weaknesses. I really want to boost my self-confidence with a lower weight, like, say, 150 would make me happy, 140 and I would be ecstatic! Hopefully, the homeschool thing will give me more structure to my day and I’ll be able to plan my workouts. When I ride right now, I ride for 30 minutes and get about 6.5 miles in, while keeping my heart rate up. If I could do just that 5 days a week consistently for even one month, I would be happy. The longest I’ve ever done it so far since I’ve gotten the bike is 4 days.

The last thing, not meant to be last, but an addition after I was done with the other topics. My relationship with Christ. Its there. Its existent. But its not all that I want it to be, and I know its not all that Christ wants it to be. Its that time/priority/schedule thing again. So maybe homeschool will help with that, too. It seems like a lot more is riding on homeschool than school itself. Perhaps that is why God is placing it in our lives right now….

How do we bless God?

An old praise and worship song popped into my head the other day. "Bless God, for all He's done, bless God for Christ His Son..." I can't find it on the internet or I would post it, but it got me to thinking, how do we bless God? Any thoughts on this? I hope to be able to study this and post my findings, but I just wanted to throw that out there for any of you who read this.

Scared

I'm scared, and I wanted to admit it. I am about to create a budget/financial plan for my family. I am using Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" to assist me, although I have not read very far into the book yet. We have two new bills starting and they aren't just chunk change. We have Noah's preschool tuition and Curt's college tuition plus our rent DOUBLED at the beginning of the month. I am an avid reader but I cannot read this book fast enough so I am skipping to the end and doing the charts first and I will continue to read the book as I have time. What am I really afraid of? Well, that's a loaded question. I'm afraid that with the rent thing and these new bills we won't be able to make it financially let alone actually work on getting out of debt. I'm afraid of what the numbers will tell me. Because numbers don't lie, do they? Yikes! Its high time we got rid of our financial flabbiness. We're probably more than flabby financially, actually. We're probably financially obese. Ok. I'm going to stop procrastinating and plug those numbers into the chart!

More pics coming soon....

I have yet to decide what my mode of showing pics is going to be. I would like to incorporate the roadrunner photoshow(s) somewhere into my blog so that all you have to do is choose a photoshow and you could view them. If anyone knows how to do this, please email me at: www.seeker4christ@gmail.com.

Time??

The posting time on this thing is off... I posted at 11:58AM and its showing 8:58AM for some reason...so dont rely on the time to tell you the actual time I was thinking this. I tried to change the time, but it didnt let me. Hmmmm...

All things made new

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18 & 19. This is what I am feeling the Lord telling me about my new blog. I am ready to blog again after quite a hiatus! The scars from blogging past still remain, but I can look back on them and be thankful for my growth in Christ. I am turning over a new leaf upon which I will blog about random things but hopefully it will mostly be about christ's work in my life, my family, and some funny things as well.